Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
