At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Text me some of your sweat
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
