my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
