Your dad touched me again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
