Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
