My first STD was from a foam party
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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