Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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