i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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