I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
