Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My penis needs a shock collar
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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