i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
