I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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