I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
