Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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