drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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