Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
