oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
