The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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