Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
