Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
