Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
