Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
