He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
