LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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