The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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