God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
