wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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