he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
