I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
