i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
pray to the hookup gods
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dick very happy bro
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
