DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
