Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
