I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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