remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
