Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
