she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
