Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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