You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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