the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
