hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
