Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
