why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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