I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
