All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
