If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
