i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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