hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
