areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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