im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
