That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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