you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not