the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.