I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
