My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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