those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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