Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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