He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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