I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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